It’s new year’s eve, and I’m sitting at home, taking down my Christmas decorations - my tree looks horrible right now, for whatever reason the kind of tree that I got this year, which is not the kind I normally get, dropped needles like nobody’s business, there are entire branches that are completely bare, it’s ridiculous - anyway, I’m sitting at home waiting for plans to come together for tonight and thinking, about relationships (not necessarily in the romantic sense, but in the more general sense), about India, about loving people, and feeling like I could be doing a better job at it.
Why is it that loving people, wholly completely, with no expectation of anything in return, is so hard? or is it just me that has a hard time with it? It’s definitely not for lack of desire, my heart is there, I want to love in that way, so then why don’t I more?
I’ve just been processing why I have such a hard time with it tonight, and I think it comes down to fear. Fear of several things really, one is being afraid of doing the wrong thing, loving the wrong way, making things worse instead of better, not really being/doing what they need, and I have a tendency to let that fear paralyze me - I just don’t do anything. Another fear is being hurt, what if they take advantage of me, use me, cause me harm. And the third is a fear of being alone, what if giving requires so much of me, that I’m left alone, that my own needs don’t get met for relationships and love because I’ve spent so much on those who can’t or just don’t give back. I fear these things, cause honestly, I’ve experienced them at times. We all have.
So I guess right now, I’m in this place where I’m having to choose where I want to be in walking this line of playing it safe, or taking the risk to love in that kind of God like, agape way, where I have nothing to gain.
In the next few days, this will play out in my trip to India. To be honest, there is a part of me that wants to guard my heart while I’m there. Sure I’d engage in all of the activities, I’d play with the kids, I’d hug them, and serve them, but I’d just keep my heart at a safe distance. I have no doubt that if I open my heart and let myself fully be present and feel everything that’s there to feel, that I’m gonna be compelled to love in a reckless kind of way, in a way where I have to put all of my fears on the line. In a way where, I’ll feel inadequate and wrong at times, where I’ll risk being hurt, and in a way that will require me to completely forget about my own needs. And some of me just wants to play it safe…
In fact, some of me isn’t sure I even know how to love with that kind of reckless abandon. I’m pretty good at being guarded, particularly with people I don’t know, and I wonder if I even know how to let all of those walls down.
At the same time there is a verse that keeps coming to mind. In 1 Corinthians 6:7 it says “why not rather be wronged? why not rather be cheated?” - the verse is talking about lawsuits among believers, but the questions haunt me in my decisions to play it safe or take a risk. Would I rather play it safe, and not love completely, and avoid the chance of being hurt, or would I rather love completely, unconditionally, knowing that there are times when I will be hurt, there are times when I won’t be enough, there are times when I won’t get my own needs met, and when I think of it that way, as difficult as it is - I choose the later.
A little easier said then done, we all have these built in defense mechanisms, but my prayer right now is that I would be able to overcome them, and do a better job of loving people, and specifically while I’m in India this next week. I don’t want to come home knowing that I guarded my heart, and played it safe. That means I might come home a complete emotional trainwreck, so be warned. :)
The holidays are the worst time of year for a single, at least for me (my birthday is a close second), and from what I’ve gathered just about every other single on the planet would agree.
I wouldn’t say that they’ve been easy this year, but certainly easier (so far), not sure if it’s because I’ve been so busy, or if I just have a different perspective this year, or maybe some of both, so I just wanted to focus on the positive here publicly.
1) I thought this was a great article, over on Boundless - Alone for the Holidays - single or not, go read it. I love how it hits the nail right on the head with all of the emotional thoughts that are going on in me - it doesn’t ignore them, but I also like how it brings it around. “A lot of the coping mechanisms for singleness seem to fall to pieces during the holidays. … Perhaps Christmas is a gift in this way. It offers a season when many of our self-sufficiencies are stripped away and we are forced to refocus on where our hope lies — our eternal salvation through Jesus and the joy and anticipation of what the Father will do for us, and more importantly in us, in this life. Longings for good things we do not yet possess can push us closer to the Savior.”
2) I may not have a family of my own, but I am grateful that I am as close as I am with my brothers. I’m grateful that my older brother and his family, not only let me be a part of their family, but genuinely want me to be. The other night I was at their house watching a kid’s movie with them, and working on finishing my Christmas cards. My sister-in-law commented that she was looking forward to the day when they got a new couch, saying, I can’t wait until we have a couch we can all fit on. I looked at her and said, well, if I wasn’t here, you could all fit on here, and without missing a beat she reiterated, that it would be nice to have a couch we ALL could fit on. It meant a lot to me. And let me tell you, hearing the kids behind the front door trying to open it, exclaiming with excitement “Krissie’s here” never gets old, even though it happens weekly. I’m privileged to have kids to love on and care for.
3) I’m grateful that being single means, that Christmas is less complicated. I don’t have to orchestrate lots of Christmas plans, or do tons of shopping, and this year that has been a tangible blessing. Both financially in trying to pay for my trip to India, and in time involved. I have on more than one occasion come home to an empty house and been so excited to have a moment of peace to myself - realizing the moment exists because I’m single. Now I’d trade that for a family in a heartbeat, but I’ll fully enjoy the moment right now while I can, knowing that I have lots of mom friends, that would LOVE to have that moment.
So, even though I’m single, I’m still blessed, and I hope that if you are single that, you will also be feeling blessed in some way this Christmas - it may not be the blessing we want most, but it is blessing none the less, and it should be cherished and celebrated none the less.
And if you are not single, I’d just encourage you to think about the singles in your life, is there a way that you can help remind them that they are blessed even though they are single, not with words of exhortation, but with gestures and action - an invitation to participate in a Christmas tradition your family has, a special gift, some meaningful words anything that could communicate to them that they are wanted this time of year and always.
* FYI, particularly the week between Christmas and New Year’s Day is the hardest for a lot of singles, everyone is having “family” time. A lot of times we get the “big day” covered, we have extended family, parents, etc. that we spend Christmas day with, but then all of those days in between when most everyone is off work, or working a laid back schedule, and enjoying the extra time with their families to be lazy, enjoy a late breakfast, return gifts or whatever - consider asking a single person you know to join you. We don’t want to take away from your family time - we want to be a part of it with you!
Life has been busy lately, too busy quite honestly. I’m not sure what I was thinking with Christmas and traveling to India so close together. I am however confident that God will, and has been giving me the energy and peace in the midst of some stress. I need it to get through this chaotic time.
So I just thought I’d do a random little post on some things I’ve been thinking lately.
I am an emotional person, I am wired that way. As I’ve said before, I tend to absorb the emotions of others around me. This morning I went from being overly excited for someone to being heartbroken for another friend, and I was reminded of Romans 12:15 that says to rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep, and I wondered if that’s what it means when it says to bear each others burdens.
Christmas cards. I made some. They took way more time, than I should have spent on them, and I’d love to have some pictures here to show you of what they turned out like, but I doubt that I’m going to have the extra time to do that, so you’ll just have to take my word for it, if you didn’t happen to get one - they were stinkin cute.
My dad and step-mom are getting in town on Saturday, and I’m excited about it. I’m hoping that their arrival will mark the beginning of a little more peace, and a less crazy schedule at least for a few days, where I can actually enjoy the time of year we are in.
India, I have not had the chance to put the thought and effort into all of my preparations that I need to. Please be in prayer for me on this. I need to prepare spiritually, I need to prepare practically.
So that’s that. Hopefully I’ll get one or two more posts in before I leave for India (in 19 days!), but even if I don’t, I will most definitely have set up daily prayer reminders for while I’m gone, or will have someone post them for me. I’m considering taking my computer with me, and making an effort to update the blog from India, but I haven’t really had a chance to look into the logistics of doing that - power, internet access, safety of my computer when it’s not on my person, so we’ll see.
*oh, 1 more thing - if you haven’t heard the new Christmas song “Winter Snow” that’s on the new Chris Tomlin Christmas album, you need to. It’s actually a female singing it. I have listened to it a lot lately (in the car on repeat) because it has been a great reminder of God’s gentleness, his peace, the freedom he brings by not pushing his way into our lives forcefully, and that has been a much needed contrast to the craziness of my life of late. Here are some of the lyrics:
You could have swept in like a tidal wave
Or an ocean to ravish our hearts
You could have come through like a roaring flood
To wipe away the things we’ve scarredBut you came like a winter snow
You were quiet, You were soft, and slow
Falling from the sky, in the night
To the earth belowOh, Your voice wasn’t in a bush burning
No, Your voice wasn’t in a rushing wind
It was still it was small it was hiddenYou came like a winter snow…