05.10.10
How I Knew He Was “The ONE”
Ok, we’ve all heard the, “I just knew” line when asking someone how they knew they found the person they were going to marry, and if you’re single, you’ve probably spent some time wondering what in the world that could mean. So I’m going to try to put it into words here. I’m sure it might be different for everyone, so if you are married I’d love to hear your feedback on if your experience was similar.
Now Travis and I “knew” pretty early on. I’m sure that not everyone knows as early as we did, and in some ways, knowing that early freaked us out a little.
This is what it boiled down to for me:
First things first, I had a list of what I was looking for, everyone does whether they admit it or not. My list was not written down by any means, just some things I knew I had to have. Here are some of the major ones:
- Loves God and loves people. Travis does this better than anyone I know.
- Has a heart and life mission for ministry. I knew based on how God has captured me, and wired me that I had to have this in someone. (Amos 3:3 - Can two people walk together, without agreeing on the direction?) This didn’t necessarily mean full-time vocational ministry, but it did mean intentionally living a life that’s about serving and ministering. Travis lives and breathes this, it is his heartbeat in so many ways, and he does it with authenticity. He’s not so concerned about what his “job” is, although right now it is ministry, he’s concerned about living a life that matters.
- A great question I’d ask myself is, if I had a child that grew up to be like ______ (the person I was dating) would I be okay with it? A big YES on this one - I’d love it. Essentially this boils down to good character.
- Shared sense of humor
- Similar ways of handling money
- Could fight fairly, and wasn’t opposed to the idea of counseling should our marriage or one of us ever need it.
- Spiritual Leader
I’m sure that’s not it, but those are the big ones.
Obviously Travis had these things, but that’s not how I knew. In reality checking off the list only gets us so far, and quite honestly finding someone who meets the things on our list is in some ways the easy part. For me how I “knew”, had a lot more to do with how comfortable I was in the relationship and with Travis, and I think they have to do with a confidence in how I knew he felt about me. It was things like this:
- I could/can easily tell him anything I was thinking/feeling/wanting/needing, etc. etc. It wasn’t effort at all. I never had to gear myself up to talk to him about something difficult, even the difficult conversations happened naturally.
- I’ve really never wondered how he felt about me, never felt the need to have a DTR, cause he always made it so obvious. He was the first one to want to tell people about me and our relationship. I don’t sit around and think, oh I wish he would do xyz (bring me flowers, give me a card, cuddle, or whatever) for me, then I’d feel good about things. He did all those things, and didn’t leave me wanting, and I know that if there ever is something I want from him, I just have to ask, and he’ll do it gladly.
- There was a sense I had/have that I couldn’t possibly screw things up. That it would take something completely out of character for me to make him question things, stop or slow down the relationship. There was no fear on my part of being too needy with him, and I think that’s a two way street. It comes from me being grounded in Christ, knowing and putting my hope in God as the one who meets my needs, and not having unrealistic expectations of Travis. Travis in turn isn’t overwhelmed with an “I can’t possibly be enough” feeling, and therefore is ready and able to be God’s way of meeting my emotional needs when I have them, even when I’m being overly sensitive or emotional. At the same time, Travis isn’t afraid of loving in a sacrificial way - I mean come on, the boy gave up his iPhone for me! Now that is L-O-V-E!
- I can and do accept Travis for who he is right now and I know he does the same for me. I don’t need him or have expectations of him changing. I think this is a big part of the “knowing”. Finding someone that you are genuinely that comfortable with. Even with the other guys I dated, there was kind of always that one thing, that I’d think, I would really need for this to change for things to work out.
Now, I’m not saying either one of us is perfect, we are both definitely not! There are things about the other that frustrate us at times, we’ve had fights, and I’m sure we’ll have more, but we are both comfortable with who the other person is, and what they struggle with. For me it wasn’t about finding someone with no struggles, it was about finding someone who could admit to the imperfections they did have, and was actively pursuing Christ, and sanctification, and willing to grow and change as Christ lead them. I also accept him for who he is right now, not who I want him to be, or think he will be.
Again, I realize this looks different for everybody. And I don’t think that “knowing” like this happens for everyone as quickly as it has happened for Travis and I. These are just my own thoughts and experiences for what it’s worth to anyone else.
05.04.10
32 and finally engaged!
I’m engaged! FINALLY! At 32, I’ll be getting married. And let me just say, he, and all the potential our life holds together was/is worth the wait.
I wanted to share my story of how he actually proposed, but first before I do that, I want to say a few things: I know a lot of you have been coming to my blog, or found my blog because I’m single and I’ve written about being single off and on. Rest assured, I am not one of those women whose life is going to revolve around the wedding or my new roll as fiance or soon-to-be wife, although certainly that will come up now and then. I’ve spent a lot of years single, I understand that life stage intimately, and I still feel called to write for and hopefully encourage those who are single. After all, some of the people that have meant the most to me in my singleness have been my married friends, and I certainly hope to be that kind of married person as well. I also want to say for any of you singles reading this that I, more than anyone, know that I haven’t done anything to get myself to this point, I’m not any better, or more deserving than any of you who are still longing. I didn’t magically figure something out that made it all happen. I wish I could give you a formula or a genie in a bottle, but it just doesn’t work that way, as much as we’d like it to sometimes. Even being in it, there are things to this whole process that are still a mystery to me. I will say that I hope to share from my own experience the things I learned along the way. Some of the things that didn’t make sense to me then, but make a little more sense now. Things like - what in the world do people mean when they say they “just knew” or the fine line between a healthy love and affection and something less than, or at least what those things have looked like for me. I hope you stick around even though I’m no longer single, and I hope you are encouraged as much.
OK, now The Whole Story:
Like most people nowadays Travis and I had talked about getting married before the question was “officially” put on the table. So I knew it was coming, and I waited…. and waited a little more…. and waited a little more. Now Travis was trying to manage all of this. Get the ring, meet my family, try to communicate to me that he’s not putting me off, and at the same time keep it a surprise. In the week before he officially proposed I may have had an emotional “why aren’t we engaged already” moment. Travis told me to trust him, not to worry about it, and to stop putting pressure on it, from the standpoint of he was going as fast as he could, as (and I knew this) the ring was taking much longer than originally thought to get. And that is another story in itself.
Anyway, last Friday I headed up to IA to spend my birthday weekend with him. My birthday was on Saturday. When I arrived at his parent’s house, he had my birthday presents set out on the bed I sleep in there. The ones from him were not wrapped, but instead tied with ribbons that just so happened to be the colors we had discussed using for the wedding. I tried not to read anything into that specifically. One of the gifts was a yankee candle in the”wedding day” scent. Again, I tried not to read too much into it. I mean, I was working hard at not worrying and taking the pressure off, like he had requested.
He took me to dinner, and I got to pick where, so naturally, I picked Mexican. Nothing fancy or out of the ordinary for us. After dinner we went back to his parent’s house to watch a movie, but were unsuccessful at getting the code to work so we could watch it. We ended up just sitting around a little and at one point he said “What’s your birthday wish?” I ummed a little and said, “I don’t know” so he pressed again, and I responded “Well I do have one, but I’m not allowed to talk about it.” He smiled and laughed a little, and responded with “Well, if you wish on a shooting star maybe it will come true.” Once again, I brushed it off as him teasing a little and didn’t think much of it. We talked a little more about random things I’m sure, until I said, “I’m tired, I think I could totally fall asleep right now.” At this point Travis made a change in plans. He was originally planning to pop the question at 11:59, right before my birthday cause at one point he had promised me it would be before my birthday, but since I was so tired, he moved it up a little. We talked a little more, and then in a totally casual everyday kind of way, he suggested we go for a walk, cause it would just be silly to go to bed before 9 on a Friday, and maybe a walk will give us some energy. I agreed, it was a nice night, but a little cool, so we stopped by his place so I could get a jacket, and unbeknownst to me he could get the ring.
He took me to the church that his parents go to (He attends a different one in town). There was a big field next to the church that they usually keep mowed to a reasonable length. It was super dark in the field, and we could see the stars so clearly. We found a good spot to stand and look up. He told me he just saw a shooting star, so I responded with “where, where? I didn’t see it!” And he proceeded to explain to me how I could try and see one. He pointed out the big dipper, and the North Star - which was kind of cool cause his last name means “from the north.” I’m totally not catching on to any of this though. It just seems like a regular night with Travis to me. Next he reached his hand up like he was touching the sky, it was dark and I could barely see it. And he said, “Sometimes if you reach your hand up like this….” he pulled his hand down in front of him and said “you’ll catch a falling star” - in that exact moment, some lightning flashed off in the distance, and lit up the ring in his hand. I gasped, and he responded with “see, I told you it would happen before your birthday.” He then dropped to one knee in the wet grass, and asked me to marry him, and of course I said yes.
A few mintues later, he asked if I wanted to walk back to where it was light so I could see my ring. Of course I did. He did great with it - it’s perfect. Here is a picture.
