Hmmm, been doing some thinking, and just a warning I’m being pretty real here, so if you came to find some cute story, no go for today. I’ve been working on the concept of connection. Building meaningful, safe relationships, where you can be truely real, and truely yourself, good bad and all. I struggle with doing that, and right now the biggest reason that I struggle with it is because I’ve been hurt in the past. I’ve had good relationships with people, that loved me unconditionally, and then for various reasons the relationship changed, and it was totally beyond my control. A few years back in my life, a significant number of my significant relationships left me, not on purpose, and not because anything bad happened, God just honestly moved them all on to other things in their life. Quite honestly, they were great things, God honoring things, that moved them on, and out of my life, or at least not as in my life as they were. But as righteous/positive and God honoring as the changes were in these peoples lives, it was still so incredibly painful to me. And my heart has truley wanted to just shut down, and avoid reaching out for fear of being hurt again, and at the same time cling desperately to what little scrap of relationship I do have in my life, no matter how unhealthy the relationship or required action to hold on to it is.
So that’s some background. Now I’m at a place where I’ve found some good health for myself, and I’m realizing again my need for good, real connections with people, but to be honest, I’m still scared, and I’ve found myself doing a few things in lew of really connecting – so I’m going to call myself on it here:
I read blogs, which – isn’t really connecting, although sometimes you can trick yourself into thinking so if you read the blogs of particularly open people
I spend time with people, but don’t open up and share what I really want to share
I schedule my down time, with a walk, a tv show I want to watch, etc. etc. and thus avoid the feeling of being lonely
I buy something new, or find a project for myself to again avoid the lonely feeling
I’m sure the list could go on, and maybe as God brings more things to mind, I’ll post them as well. But for now, I’ll leave it at that, and I’ll also leave it with a commitment to start by being honest with real people in my life (not just my blog) about this connection struggle that I have, and build from there.